Rambling Post 2

MY BABY HAS BEEN RESURRECTED!!! I HAPPENED TO TURN HER ON TO RETRIEVE A DISC INSIDE AND SHE WAS JUST WORKING!!! aLL FILES ARE INTACT!!! MY BABY LIIIIIIIVVVVVEEES!!!

So. There's actually quite a few things I want to say in this post. The most wonderful and important has been announced up there: my baby is gloriously alive. As for other stuff...

Let's see. I have discovered that I'm basically an A type personality. I've pasted the type A personality below and highlighted all adjectives that apply to me in yellow.

Type A

Time Urgency:

Impatient, hurries, under pressure, prompt and often early for appointments, watches clock, walk/talk/eat rapidly, does multiple activities simultaneously, lives in the future/always planning, feel that 'there's never enough time'.
Hates delays:Irritable, restless with other's pace, high impatience at having to wait for someone, rage at having to wait in line, detests waisting time, drives over the speed limit, evades red lights, is 'hard on equipment,' always underestimates the time a job will take.

Hostility
Competitive, 'must win,' reluctant to share power/control/delegate, takes on more and more work, pursue more challenging tasks, makes bets, finds competitive aspect of all activities, plays hard as works, detests losing, plays to win even against children/friends, sets higher goals for self, challenging, concerned with getting and having rather than being, hard driving
Aggressive, ambitious, gets higher grades/income, measures everything in numbers/dollars, attributes success to own speed, Dominates conversations, emphasizes words in speech, finishes other's speeches, interrupts speakers, dislikes small talk, Continual emergency reaction.

Self-destructive tendancies:

over-working
gorging on high-fat foods
overuse of stimulants
low levels of exercise
high alcohol intake
smoking
no time for self care

works during vacations
over-plan vacation's activities
works in bed
inability to relax/be unproductive
fails to notice beauty/scenery/'smell the flowers'
overschedule themselves
overcommitted
guilt over relaxing
always works more than eight hours a day
sits on edge of chairs
make fists
clench jaws
taps fingers
jiggles legs
rapid blinks
never still

Cognitive:
Constant struggle for control/avoiding helplessness inihibited need for power perfectionistic demand continuous self-improvement demand excellence in every area always seeking to improve efficiency underestimate own achievements more disappointment and self-doubt

Affective:
negative cynical critical ruthless in self-reproach self-examining
'Workaholic'
recreation only with friends from work better communication at work than at home organized hobbies work as a substitute for intimate contacts reading is all work related work late more than peers do when awakened thoughts go to work live by deadlines and quotas creates unnecessary deadlines

I find it fascinating that I even have a personality type. I know I wasn't always this way, so do personalities change? Then again, I've always had many of those tendencies. Maybe they were the seeds for who I am today. I tell you, learning about yourself sure is interesting!

What else did I want to say? Seems like all week I keep saying ' oh, I have to put that on my blog' and now that I'm actually making time to do so, I can't remember what I wanted to say. Well part of the problem is that certain things go on certain blogs. I updated the busy dragon and healthy dragon. I guess I'll go by category again.

Spiritual: as always, praying is a struggle. I keep saying that I want to memorize more Qur-an, but I never seem to be able to find time for it.

Emotional: I guess emotionally I'm ok. I could wish I was with a guy that I am in love with. I mean, I love my husband but it's just...not a big thing. And I'm not attracted to him. He really just isn't enough for me. But here I am with him. I still want to be single, very much. Sometimes I wonder if the only way I'll be free is by him dying. I think about that, and find I'm ok with it. It would hurt. It would destroy the kid in particular. But I think I could help her survive. After these thoughts, I always feel guilty. Like, what if he died today and I was just thinking it? We'd be up shit creek without a paddle financially and all...but I'd do whatever I had to do to survive and make a life for me and the kid. I don't hate him. And yet part of me does. Part of me is so frustrated and disappointed and angry. Still, I do know he's a good man and he tries. I lie to everybody now about how my marriage is, including myself. On the surface, everything looks and seems fine, and that's what I tell everyone and I'm sure hubby believes it. But last night...last night I just broke down and told him that he really isn't enough. He asked what I want to do, and I just said I don't know. I'm just telling you. I keep everything locked down tight in a small basement in my mind. All I care about is making money so me and my daugher can have a better life. And so I can help my siblings. So, emotionally, I'm ok.

Physically: I have been going to the gym. I don't seem to have lost weight, but I've put on muscle and shaped up a bit. Maybe I should get back on a low-carb diet to shed pounds. Least it will have all the protein I need.

Ok. Something else I want to mention here is that a teacher assistant died at the kid's school the other day and she's very upset. She keeps thinking she'll die soon or that me or her father will. This is the first time someone has died that the kid knew. I've tried to help her as best I could, but I've never been in this situation myself; consoling people. I sat her down and said yes, dying is scary. And yes it makes you think you're next. But can you change any of that? She said no. So I said then you just have to accept it and move on. Do the best you can as a Muslim. Say Authu billahi min ash-shaytaan ar-rajim, since he's making you think these things. And children who die go straight to paradise inshallah. Make dua that Allah gives you a long and healthy life and use this as a reminder to be a good Muslim. She's trying.

She's been crying, needing hugs and having her dad sleep in her room. That's why I know if one of us died it would destroy her, and why I feel doubly guilty about thinking of hubby dying. At least she seems to be doing better.

I have to go now, more later inshallah