Trapped

Is my life real? Is it really passing me by with nothing changed for the better and many things getting worse? What is real? I'll tell you what's real. It's 10:30 pm and I have decided that 13 pages of a math test is really too long to be doing at this time of night; I'll be doing it after fajr, inshallah. That's real. Hubby just found out his car needs major repair work so that will cost him money he doesn't have. That's real. Hubby will need to rent a car for a month or more. That's real. When his May salary comes he'll be paying for the following: rental car, his car, a rental car he had before and still owes on. All of those things are in addition to what he normally pays for: he never has enough money to pay for what he normally has to pay for so where will he get the money for these new things? That's real. He's so pissed off about this whole situation, that's he's starting to take it out on me. I offered to help him pay for all this, even though I'm already helping him pay for a lot, and I would rather save my money, then later he said I don't ever help him. That's real.

Fact: If he would save money like I've been telling him for the past 10 years, this wouldn't jam him up so bad. Fact: This is basically the last month I'll be getting paid. I don't want to blow the little I've managed to save on his stupidity. Fact: Saying this situation is a result of his stupidity is not an exaggeration. He never gets that car serviced, runs it into the ground and the junk is old and beat up anyway. And all he can say over and over is he's never had a problem with his engine before so why now. I mentioned that just because he's never had a problem doesn't mean he never will. Fact: he wanted to pay for my school this month to get it out of the way. That won't happen now. Instead, it, along with a lot of other things, will have to get paid with the summer salary he'll receive in June which means we probably won't be having that much to work with in the states. Fact: if he tells me we only have a certain amount of money before we go to the states, then I will tell him we're not going. What's the point of going over there only to struggle and be a burden? Nothing worse or less fun than that. left to him, we will never be financially stable or have anything that isn't old and beat to shit. I feel so trapped.What if, astaghfirullah, this were some medical emergency with the kid? Not a cent in the bank. My savings would be sucked up for it. The kid would be relegated to some filthy government hospital. I can't live like this!

Something happened the other day. I finally confronted hubby about something that has been, I feel, one of the root causes of the problems in our marriage. Once he finally admitted it, he said that I'm right, I do deserve to be with someone who can give me what I need, what I'm entitled to and have a right to. And he can't give it to me. I said, so then why do you think it's fair for me to suffer? He said it's not. He then said that he will make Tahajjud every night, begging Allah to cure him. He said he will do everything in his power to find a cure to his problems. If after one year from the date of May 4th, 2007, he isn't cured he will let me go. I said, he's old me that before and still kept me here to suffer for all these years. So he made a promise to draw it up. He wrote it up in a contract. It's been 5 days since then. He's prayed Tahajjud once. I know he doesn't have the money to go to the doctor and he's such a procrastinator. It doesn't look like he's trying very hard which, to me, means he doesn't really care to keep this marriage. As with the car, he just expects things, life in general, to work themselves out. No concept of planning for the future. He will wait till the final month to wake up every night, I know. Or he'll expect me to choose to stay with him. I offered him alternative solutions...like hiring some Beef. But he said it was haram. But he acknowledges that I don't deserve to live this way. Couple all this with the fact that money will always be a problem for him, and thus for me, because he's in charge of our affairs...well it looks like I'll be single soon. And this time I'll feel much better about it because I honestly tried. I sacrificed and tried to make the best of what I had to work with. maybe this time Allah, will set me free from this trap.

More later, inshallah.